The Villainess Whom I Had Served for 13 Years Has Fallen

Chapter 42

42 – The Secret of the Man Seen by This Woman -5-

It’s okay.

That one phrase became a dagger and pierced my heart. It felt more painful and sharp than anything else.

Smiling as if nothing was wrong, holding hands tightly, Ricardo’s appearance was so detestable.

Why don’t you hate me, when you went through such terrible pain without any concern, your question of whether I don’t resent you was right at the tip of my tongue.

I gritted my teeth and said to Ricardo.

“What…. is okay.”

It was a question filled with resentment.

A question about why he pretends to be okay when it is clear that he is not okay.

I held Ricardo’s hand tightly.

My hand shook. Because I was angry and resentful towards Ricardo, who was lying. I wanted him to know that I was sincere.

“What do you mean by ‘it’s okay’.”

Not with contempt or resentment, but with a feeling of apology, Ricardo looked at me. I wished he would say something.

I would rather he cursed at me now.

Call me a bad woman.

Say that because of you, my body is ruined.

I wanted him to say something, instead of keeping silent. It would have made me feel better.

It’s okay.

Ricardo’s words echoed in my mind like an echo.

I asked Ricardo. With the hope for an honest answer. Even though you’re so kind and always by my side, I hoped you didn’t hate me.

At the same time, I hoped that no harsh words would come out of Ricardo’s mouth. Because I am a coward who is afraid.

The voice trembled.

I wanted to say it menacingly.

I wanted to scold and tell you not to joke around, but my voice trembled like a fool.

“It’s not okay. There’s no way it could be okay…!”

I thought to myself.

In reality, you were mistaken to think that I would hate you.

You not only gave me indelible scars, but also made me experience dreadful pain, and yet the only thing that returned was a crazy woman searching for Mikhail.

If it were me, I would have hated to death.

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Whether you were a servant or a friend, I would have just abandoned everything and run away. Why didn’t you do that?

Numerous thoughts and resentment poured out from within, but the words that came out were just the complaints of a coward.

“Don’t lie.”

“It’s not a lie.”

Tears fell onto the blanket.

Once again, tears flowed because of the servant who tried not to say anything unpleasant to me.

I thought I had cried enough, but it seems there are still many tears left.

I hid my crying face and said,

“It hurt, didn’t it?”

“…”

“It hurt to the point of death.”

“It’s oka-“

“What… what! It’s fine!!!”

I impatiently pulled Ricardo’s hand away.

“I could have died! Do you know that? You could have died….!”

Ricardo bowed his head.

He did nothing wrong, yet he bowed his head and clenched his fist on the bed. Ricardo, who kept inhaling and exhaling. His hunched shoulders pained my heart.

I buried my face in the blanket.

Even though I wiped my eyes and tried to calm my trembling heart, the shaking shoulders wouldn’t stop crying.

“I could have died right there….”

“…”

Ricardo exhaled deeply.

Sighing softly, I felt a slight tremor in the sound of my breath.

Taking another long breath to steady my breathing, buried under the blanket, Ricardo muttered quietly to me.

“I knew.”

Ricardo’s composed voice chilled my heart. It felt as if my breath had momentarily stopped. I didn’t want to hear the words from Ricardo’s mouth.

Before the question “Why…?” could even form in my mind, Ricardo continued.

“Because I thought it was the best choice.”

The best choice… I didn’t want to deny it, but it was the only option. It had to be the best way. But there must have been choices that didn’t save me…

The word “best” left me speechless.

Ricardo spoke with a trembling voice, as if he was forced to speak against his will, and a slight tremor in his voice reached me.

“Miss, I… am only a servant.”

Ricardo’s sigh can be heard.

Nervously brushing his hair back, Ricardo, like me, buried his face in his hands and continued his story.

“You are truly precious to me.”

“Don’t I matter to you? I…!”

“No. It’s that you hold me dearly. That’s why you used a pauper like me as your steward.”

I blurted out in response to Ricardo’s words. His bold argument wasn’t something worthy of staking one’s life on.

I’m not a hero like Mikhail, saving the world, nor a woman like Yuria, receiving everyone’s love. There’s no reason to risk my life for a mere wicked woman like me.

I had merely picked up Ricardo out of curiosity, and he was just lucky. I couldn’t believe he would stake his life on such a trivial reason.

It felt like a lie for my own sake.

So I said it directly.

“You’re staking your life for something like that? Are you insane? Did you think you’d become a saint or a hero or something?”

“It’s not just something like that.”

Ricardo raised his forehead with an unpleasant expression. Even more unpleasant than when he showed me the scars on his arm.

He showed me the faint scar on his forehead.

Although it had faded over the years, the deep scar proved it was a scar. Ricardo took a deep breath and continued.

“It’s not just something to me.”

I didn’t know the details about that scar. I had only picked up a dying child in the rain, that’s all.

The scar didn’t hold much significance for me.

I looked at Ricardo and said, “That… you were just lucky.”

Ricardo said firmly,

“Sometimes luck can change a person.”

Ricardo covered his forehead.

“I wouldn’t say it’s just that. It greatly changed my life. I used to beg in the slums and scrounge for scraps.”

“You were just a kid then.”

“I was a special kid, so that’s not relevant.”

Ricardo sighed deeply and said,

“I am a butler. A butler who has been serving the young lady for 13 years. I know what she likes and dislikes. I am a butler who knows her well.”

“What does a mere butler know?”

Ricardo laughed mischievously.

“A mere butler, huh. I take pride in my profession.”

It was an empty statement.

What is the occupation of a butler? Just being handed a letter of appointment and wearing a black butler’s uniform. What can a fallen noble’s butler, who can’t offer a mansion, wealth, or social command like other aristocrats, call himself?

Ricardo’s words were simply a vain excuse.

I wanted to know Ricardo’s true feelings.

His hidden resentment towards me.

So, I said something twisted. Like a hedgehog unintentionally pricking someone with its spines, I reflexively pricked back.

“You should insult me instead.”

“…”

“Rather, insult me and make it clear that you don’t like me… If you feel sorry for me, say that I’m pitiful.”

I let my unnecessary pride get in the way.

There seemed to be no other solution.

I couldn’t understand why I would act like that unless it was out of compassion, not any other emotion.

Ricardo looked at me.

At me, who was shedding tears on the blanket and spouting cold words.

“Miss. It’s not convincing at all to insult someone with that kind of face, you know?”

“Who would be able to insult someone while their nose is running with snot?”

I said.

Don’t joke around.

This time, I glared at Ricardo with a slightly intimidating expression, but Ricardo also responded with a serious answer.

Ha. Ricardo let out a sigh. He looked out of the window where the stars were shining, then turned to look at my face.

My face, shedding tears uncontrollably, though I didn’t want to cry.

“You said the lady cares about me. I care about you a little more than the lady does. Just a little more.”

“What’s that…?”

“That’s what it is… 13 years is more intense than I thought. At our first meeting, I thought you were a crazy girl, but I started to develop an affection for you.”

Ricardo offered a gentle smile.

“You told me to curse, didn’t you?”

He whispered a swear word softly in my ear.

“Fool.”

Then, as if feeling refreshed, he lifted his head.

“This should be enough to resolve it. If you have any complaints, don’t throw a tantrum later; just eat your meal.”

Don’t. Don’t say that.

This time, I couldn’t let it slide like this.

I said to Ricardo,

“Don’t you hate me?”

Ricardo pondered for a moment.

“I don’t hate you except when you throw tantrums. As long as you don’t separate the peppers onto a separate plate.”

“No… I meant something else.”

I said what I had been thinking silently.

I brought up the story of my concerns about how Ricardo might think of me, whether he might hate or dislike me.

“Because of me…”

My lips wouldn’t move.

My lips, trying to talk about what happened back then, were frozen in fear, but I thought this was the only chance.

Because I knew too well that if it wasn’t now, I wouldn’t even be able to ask that fool butler.

With a trembling heart, I said,

“Do you… not hate me for what you went through because of me?”

Ricardo replied calmly.

“I don’t hate anything. It was my choice.”

Tears began to flow.

I thought it wouldn’t get any hazier, that it wouldn’t come out anymore after crying for a long time. But when Ricardo said that it was all okay, tears rolled down.

“It’s… my fault. If I didn’t like Mikhail so much, you wouldn’t have to go through all of this.”

Emotions surged.

“Because of me…! If I hadn’t foolishly used dark magic, you could have lived happily. You could have gone to the Academy and done something other than being a butler.”

The weight of the butler’s ruined life because of what happened due to me felt like it was pressing down on my shoulders. Everything that had happened all because of one person, me. I couldn’t blame anyone or make excuses, as it was all my responsibility.

I couldn’t lift my head due to the guilt.

“Because of me…!”

My voice trembled.

I couldn’t speak properly due to the overwhelming emotions.

“I’m really sorry…”

I grabbed Ricardo’s arm and buried my face in it.

What if I hurt him just by holding onto him? I was worried that I might have held his arm too tightly, but if I didn’t hold onto it, my trembling heart might collapse.

“I’m incredibly sorry… When I see your pained face, it drives me insane…”

If I were you, I might live my life as if you were my enemy, without even looking at your face.

“Do you really not hate me?”

This statement held everything.

The wrongs that had ruined Ricardo’s life.

My mistakes that had caused him pain he didn’t need to experience, it was all in this one sentence.

“Sob… I…”

Because of the overwhelming emotions, speaking now had its limits.

“I… I’m really sorry…”

I grabbed Ricardo’s arm and wept.

Ricardo embraced me and softly replied.

“It’s alright. Truly.”