I Give Up on Conquering the Heroines

30 – Episode 30. Fragment of Memory (1)

Until now, I have never once felt lonely.

That’s because I’ve been alone since long ago.

Because I lost my parents and had to stand alone and do everything on my own.

Maybe I’m the type of person who doesn’t often feel loneliness.

I even had that thought.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that my thoughts were wrong.

“Saint. Are you okay?”

“Ah… Yes.”

I was startled by what the guard said from a distance and withdrew my hand that had been extended to the side.

His hand was splitting the empty space.

I was unconsciously scanning someone’s empty seat.

So, if you ask who it is, your mouth will be closed.

I don’t know.

I don’t know who it was, but someone was definitely by my side.

“Why am I like this…”

Even after returning home, this frustrating feeling does not go away.

When I came to my senses, I found myself groping for the empty seat next to me.

He is making a nasal sound and trying to call someone.

I find myself trying to stick my head in a place where no one is around.

“This is all because of that note…”

It wasn’t like this until a few days ago.

Which letter was the problem?

It was a note saying that I would die at the hands of assassins during the cathedral’s completion ceremony.

After seeing that note, a waterfall of strange emotions poured down.

Grief, affection, desire for recognition, longing, security, obsession.

······And although it may not be possible, love is even absurd.

These were emotions I could never experience.

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These were things that had absolutely nothing to do with me.

The feeling as if someone else’s emotions were being copied.

Tears flowed freely from that realistic feeling.

“What? You can’t trace the sender? You won’t even know where it was sent!”

“I’m sorry, saint. It is said that the mail was sent directly to the central logistics center.”

In addition to meticulously hiding the sender and address, they even used a typewriter to hide the handwriting.

At first, I suspected terrorism by hostile forces.

Isn’t it a curse using magic or witchcraft?

Isn’t this an attempt to destroy my spirit and neutralize it?

‘That can’t be possible. If it was magic or a curse, I would have figured it out a long time ago.’

That’s not true.

If it’s a type of magic that hypnotizes people, there’s no way there’s magic that I, a saint, don’t know about.

Even though it was trained to react sensitively to any sign of witchcraft, it could not detect anything.

It was not caused by external factors.

This was purely an internal problem.

‘Mental illness…?’

Finally, mental illness had to be suspected.

Have I finally gone crazy?

No matter how mentally ill people may not know that they are crazy, objectively speaking, I was fine.

Except that sometimes I feel unexplained pain inside my chest.

Except for the fact that I miss someone whose face and name I don’t know…

“Who the hell are you…?”

It was frustrating.

I felt like I was going crazy.

He always hugs me.

Patting my head.

It felt like I had forgotten who was holding my hand.

I felt desperate and frustrated right after waking up from a sad dream, and it continued every day.

The warmth I have never felt has disappeared and all that remains is extreme loneliness.

Today, I feel heartbroken as I look through the empty space where no one was from the beginning.

Then one morning.

“Yu, Eugene… Eugene?”

It came to mind.

Incredibly clear.

The memories of yesterday came back so vividly that I felt like a fool.

Eugene.

The man’s name was Eugene.

They are not afraid of me, a saint.

A person who came to me and embraced me even though I showed my ugly side and pushed him away.

A person who accepted me as I am.

At last everything was explained.

The seat next to me felt infinitely large.

The position of the hand that was unconsciously stretched out.

The ambiguous height I was trying to rest my head on.

It would be perfect to say that Eugene was there.

“Why? Why did I forget?”

I’m confused.

Why on earth did I forget something so important?

There is no one more precious than Eugene.

I couldn’t even imagine life without Eugene.

There is no way I could forget Eugene.

“······Ah.”

After carefully organizing my thoughts, I realize.

Yujin and I have never met yet.

The first time I saw him was at a construction site in Hameln.

The second time I saw it was during an interview for an escort driver.

And our real relationship began when he rescued me from the cathedral.

So, it is true that we don’t know Eugene yet at this point.

You must not know it yet.

Then what are all the memories with Eugene that are swirling around in my head right now?

“I have returned to the past.”

The events of the future are as vivid as if they happened yesterday.

It’s hard to believe, but there is only one possibility left.

After experiencing the future, I returned.

Or, the memories from the future were passed on to me from the past.

I don’t think so.

“Why?”

Then why did my future self choose to return?

Why did we decide to transfer memories of the future to the past?

The answer came soon after.

Among the vast amount of memories, a particularly emotionally intense moment rose to the surface.

“Eujin…You’re leaving my side…?”

Incredible information passes through my mind.

Yujin, who hugged me so lovingly, walked with me hugging me, and played with me, is leaving me?

That can’t be possible.

I look back on my memories carefully.

Amidst a torrent of memories and emotions that I have never experienced, I trace back what happened.

“Ah… Ah… Ah…”

And soon he collapsed in pain.

I remembered.

It was all because of me.

I interfered too much with Eugene.

Because I was so annoying.

I used Eugene as a trash can into which she pours out her emotions.

That’s why I got tired of it and left.

Of course, Eugene and Kangy were not completely without their corners.

After making me sleep by drinking alcohol, he stayed up all night with another woman.

But did that give me the right to criticize Eugene?

I said I couldn’t live without Eugene, but she wasn’t Eugene.

She was merely accepting my foolishness as a guard knight.

That’s why I couldn’t fully reveal my true feelings to Eugene for fear of being rejected.

I’m afraid that Eugene will be flattered if I cling too much.

Because I was desperate for more, she was afraid that she would be swayed by Eugene, so she couldn’t tell me her honest feelings.

Even though she expressed it indirectly, she was never able to say that she loved him.

That was the root of the problem.

As long as you are not in love, there is no problem with doing anything with another woman.

I scolded him even though I had no right to be angry.

I was so busy dealing with my own emotions that I didn’t even want to know how Eugene felt.

I was crying loudly and making a fuss, but then I got tired of myself and became quiet.

Wouldn’t Eugene have thought so?

This woman is annoying…

He must have felt a great burden due to the gradually worsening interference.

“Ah. No, no, Eugene…”

Eujin must have also had a s*xual desire.

I always clung to him and only yearned for childlike affection, without even thinking about understanding his needs.

He also needed a place to vent, and he just happened to find the right place to do it.

It probably didn’t have much meaning other than a one-night stand, but I ended up over-interpreting it.

I was blinded by emotions in an instant and ruined everything.

“You came back to undo your mistakes.”

I am not sure how the regression occurred.

To begin with, not all memories have returned yet.

The only clear purpose is that he came back to make up for his mistakes.

“Hmm. First, we have to find Eugene…”

I won’t repeat the same mistake.

Now I realize how precious and great a person Eugene was.

I will no longer do such foolish things as treating Eugene like my slave.

I will treat you as an equal.

We will ask you what you like and what hobbies you enjoy.

I will get to know Eugene as much as he knows about me.

I will also become indispensable to Eugene.

I will make Eugene love me as much as I love him.

Just as I cannot exist without Eugene, I will make it so that Eugene cannot exist without me.

Definitely.

“Yes? No?”

This can’t be happening.

Around this time, Eugene was moving from construction site to construction site as a day laborer.

But no matter how much I search, Eugene’s name doesn’t come up.

“That can’t be…”

The Hameln development is a project being promoted under the strict management of the central government of the Holy Kingdom.

Even if daily workers are used, the records are completely recorded without leaving anyone out.

Yet Eugene’s name could not be found anywhere.

Eugene is not in Hameln.

Now I have no choice but to think that way.

‘That note!’

The identity of the person who sent the note.

The questions I had forgotten for a while were completely answered.

It was Eugene.

Yujin was worried about me and warned me to avoid assassination.

But why don’t you come directly?

‘Something is wrong.’

It is the butterfly effect.

Things went awry due to the subtle changes that occurred as the episode diverged.

The gap has widened to the point where Eugene, who was originally destined to come to Hameln and work on construction sites and become my bodyguard, does not set foot in Hameln at all.

‘I have to go find it.’

We need to find Eugene.

If he doesn’t intend to show himself, I can go find him.

With that in mind, I immediately started searching.

“A man of northern continental descent named Eugene was nowhere to be found.”

“Are you sure you searched correctly?!”

“I’m sorry.

The name Eugene is common.

But that is a story from the southern continent.

It is easy to find a man named Eugene with blonde or silver hair, but a man with black hair from the northern continent and named Eugene has not been found anywhere.

Now that I think about it, he was a man whose swordsmanship was somewhat poor to begin with.

It was only after reading the secret orders passed down through generations in our family that he was able to swing the sword in a way that was at least superficially acceptable.

He had no reason to be famous enough to fall under the radar.

“I will find it… Somehow…”

Now that I have felt the empty space that I would have lived without knowing for the rest of my life, there is no other way for me.

The only choice is to get Eugene back.

Even now, I can barely stand the thought of sitting next to Eugene, hugging her, leaning my head on her shoulder, and exchanging flirty jokes.

“Seo, saintess! What on earth is this…!”

Grumbling.

The ceiling of the cathedral collapsed with a roar that sounded like lightning.

It seemed like a faint scream could be heard between the explosion and the roar.

“Oh my. It looks like there was someone inside. Go quickly and call the rescue team.”

“Ugh! Yes! I understand!”

Now that Eugene is gone, I have been thinking a lot about how I can avoid assassination.

Simply not attending the cathedral completion ceremony is not a solution.

If I don’t show up at the cathedral, the assassins will attack me again on a different day and in a different location.

A sure method was needed.

And there was only one sure way that I knew.

This is the method Eugene taught me.

“Eugene. Are you watching?”

It is the same view as then.

All the pillars have been reduced to dust and the ceiling has sunk to the floor.

Maybe Eugene will be surprised when he sees this.

Ah. This is a method I’ve been thinking about using.

“Ugh. It won’t take long.”

I will definitely find it.

The methods are endless.

So far, we have only used a trick-like method that can be found quickly.

If possible, there is also a method of conducting a thorough survey of all villages on the entire continent.

It may take a long time, but we will definitely find it.

One thing that scares me is his reaction when I meet Eugene again.

It would be the first time he saw me.

Unlike me, who returned to the past, he would have forgotten everything.

Considering that he knew about the assassins and came to rescue me, it is clear that he was always interested in the saint.

But it is highly likely that it will stop there.

A just man who respects the saint and hopes to survive.

To Eugene, I am like a stranger right now.

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“I have to do my best not to feel too burdened…”

When we meet again, I will burst into tears without even realizing it.

You will want to hug him tightly.

You will want to call them by their names in a friendly way.

But you have to endure it.

Don’t let Eugene be too surprised.

Then, carefully, I build my relationship with Eugene from the beginning.

Don’t collapse this time. Firmly.

“Ah…”

I’m looking forward to that day and it gives me goosebumps.

Just imagining our reunion makes my whole body tingle.

The pleasure reaches its peak and my body trembles.

Just wait a little while, Eugene.

I’ll go find it right away.